


Grief

by randomfandomimagine



Series: Imagines (Reader Insert) [43]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Case Fic, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Other, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 06:57:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19312972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomfandomimagine/pseuds/randomfandomimagine
Summary: Requested by anon:Hi! Can I request an imagine for Connor where reader is Hank’s daughter and is part of the K-9 unit? So in this imagine, reader was working in a different department then they transferred to the DPD where Hank & Connor. Reader introduces their police dog to Connor as they heard he likes dogs. So then a few years later and many investigations later after Connor becoming a deviant, reader’s police dog passed away and they are trying to get by with that?





	Grief

After work, I was so exhausted that I kicked off my shoes, plopped down on the couch and cuddled with Sumo to watch TV and relax. Before I forgot, I texted my father to let him know I was okay.

My dad was  _not_ happy that I insisted of working on the police field just like him, I had always admired his job. I worked on the K-9 unit instead of the DPD like him, but it was still a similar situation. And he always worried a lot about me, even if his job was technically more dangerous than mine. I guessed it was because he was a little paranoid after what happened with Cole, he was just scared of losing someone else.

“Hey dad” I mumbled as I typed on my phone, preparing the text. “Just got home, everything’s ok. How about you?”

We were always checking on each other since we were all we had left, really. I always worried about him too after all. Even if he always briefly reminded me how he disapproved of my career choice and blamed himself for it too. I just wanted to be like him…

“Ok, thanks for telling me. I’m at Jimmy’s having a drink” Soon came his reply.

“Be safe!” I answered back to him, knowing how he drowned his grief in alcohol. I wished he would talk more about it and not drink, but one day I realized everyone takes pain different ways. I isolated myself, for example.

“Ah!” I was so into my slightly depressive thoughts that I got startled when the bell rang.

Surprised, I looked at the time. It was late at night, who could possibly be here at this ungodly hour? I warily stood up and walked to the door, trying not to make any noise as my feet made contact with the ground. I sneakily looked out the window, being cautious, and observed the person standing outside.

“Huh” It was a man who stood there completely still, his back straightened in a perfect posture. He didn’t seem menacing, so I decided to answer the door.

“Hello?” Came his husky voice.

I grabbed the door knob and opened the door, not dropping my guard yet.

“Can I help you?” I replied, taking a good look at him. Turned out it was an android, its LED bright blue.

“Is this the Anderson residence?”

“Yes… And you are?”

“Hello, my name is Connor” It showed me an artificial smile. “I’m the android sent by Cyberlife”

“And what are you doing here, Connor?” I leaned my hip on the door and crossed my arms, somewhat amused by its presence and goofy appearance despite the neat uniform.

“I’m looking for Lieutenant Anderson” It gave a determined nod, its brown eyes quickly scanning the inside of the house over my shoulder.

“Uh, he’s not here” I replied, moving as to block its field of vision.

“Do you know where I can find him?”

“Why don’t you tell me what you want with him first?”

“Of course, I was assigned the deviants cases and I need his assistance”

“Deviants?”

“Androids who stopped obeying their owners. They suffer from a software instability that causes them to emulate emotions and they get overwhelmed by irrational instructions and hence act in an unpredictable-“

“Okay, I get the picture” I replied, annoyed at its babbling. Sure spoke a lot for an android. “You’re after deviant androids, got it”

“Do you know where I can find Lieutenant Anderson?” It repeated, not bothered by my abrupt interruption.

“He’s at Jimmy’s bar” I eyed the android up and down, still a little iffy about it.

“Thank you” It then began to walk away, but I gave it some advice both for my dad’s and the android’s sake.

“I wouldn’t pester him too much, though” Connor paused to listen to what I had to say. “He’s got a bit of a temper, and doesn’t really like androids”

“Got it” Calmly, it resumed and left.

“Androids…” I said as I slammed the door and reunited with Sumo. I absently petted him as I thought about Connor.

While I didn’t share my father’s hatred for androids, I didn’t trust them either. Why would anyone want to have one? They’re just machines, pieces of plastic. Like Connor, emotionless and mechanic.

I just hoped dad didn’t break that android too badly.

*

I exited Captain Fowler’s office and nervously wrung my hands in anticipation. With a resigned sigh, I just walked to my father’s desk and sat on it to wait for him.

A lot of things passed through my mind, analyzing all the possibilities and outcomes. I carefully thought about each word I wanted to say when telling him what happened, wanting to say it carefully even if I knew in the end I would just blurt it out anyway.

While I was lost in my thoughts, I realized he had arrived in the bullpen. He hadn’t noticed me yet but as soon as he got closer to his desk he rolled his eyes.

“Hi, dad!” I cheerfully stood from the chair and showed him a big grin.

“Ah, shit… what the hell are you doing here?”

“Wow, it’s good to see you too…”

“Don’t give me that crap, Y/N, what is it?”

“What? Can’t I visit my father?”

“You know I’m all up for you visiting me” He squinted at me and crossed his arms over his chest with resolve. “But somethin’ tells me you’re not here for a simple visit”

“Yeah…” I awkwardly scratched my neck, knowing it was the moment of truth. “You haven’t talked to Captain Fowler today, have you?”

My dad looked to his office and the Captain was watching us, not even bothering to hide the fact that he was curious about how the scene would play out.

“No…” My dad was getting even more suspicious. “Why?”

“Well, I guess it’s better if I tell you then” I knew he already had a lot of disciplinary notes and I didn’t want him to add to them by yelling at Fowler when he told him.

“Shit, I don’t like this… Tell me what?”

“You know how I worked at the K-9 Unit?”

“Yeah…” I made a pause, analyzing his expression. His eyebrows shot up just to come back down in a scowl. I opened my mouth to continue, but he interrupted me. “Wait, worked? In past?”

“Yeah…” I gulped, already foreseeing his outburst. “I was transferred here to help on the case of the deviant androids”

“What?!” My dad exclaimed in anger, and turned to Fowler. The two of them exchanged a glance through the glass of his office, almost challenging each other. When my father took a step towards the Captain, I took him by the arm to keep him in place.

“Dad, it’s okay! I’ll be working with you! What better partner, right?” I smiled innocently, hoping the gesture might ease his anxiety. But it didn’t.

He easily let go of my arm and stomped over the Fowler’s office, already yelling before he even closed the door. I sighed in resignation and plopped back down on his chair, waiting for it to be over so my dad could come back and lecture me some more.

I knew him enough to realize what was going on. After what happened with Cole, he didn’t feel capable of looking after me, he felt like he had failed his son. He was already mad that I joined the K-9 on the first place but at least the job was moderately safe. Being a detective hunting deviant androids that murdered and attacked their owners? Not so much.

My heart felt heavy when I thought about the fact that my father was afraid of losing me. That he was terrified of being right there with me and still failing at protecting me, like he did with Cole.

I covered my face with my hands and sighed in exhaustion. If only things could be easier, I was so tired of feeling that sadness and resignation.

A finger playfully tapping my shoulder brought me out of my thoughts. I looked up to see a man grinning at me.

“Hey there” He coolly leaned on the desk, smirking now. “Haven’t seen you around before. Come here often?”

I rolled my eyes at the stupid pick-up line that he so obnoxiously matched with that smug expression and that stupid smirk.

“What do you want?” I tiredly replied, not being in the mood to put up with assholes like him. Overall when I could still hear my father’s yelling in the distance.

“Name’s Gavin, sweetheart” He held out his hand for me to take, but I just dedicated him an annoyed and unimpressed glance to his obvious flirting.

“Pleasure” I sarcastically said, facing away from him and ignoring his outstretched hand.

“What do you say…” He paused to move my chair so I was facing him. “We go out for a coffee some time?

“Sorry, I’m not interested” I pushed him away and stood from the chair, trying to get as further away from that jerkbag as possible. I really wasn’t up to that bullshit.

“C’mon” Gavin didn’t give up, he held me by the wrist. “Just one date, we’ll have fun”

“No” I abruptly said, hoping he would leave me alone now. I didn’t only verbally express my rejection, but also through my body language.

“C’mon, babe! Don’t play hard to-“ Seeing as he was a pigheaded douchebag, I tried a different approach.

“Do you like dogs?” I cut him off with a fake smile.

“I suppose I do…” He seemed confused, but still listened.

“I love dogs, and I actually worked with them” I broke my feigned sweet demeanor to scowl at him. “And they understand what ‘no’ means. Then you must be stupider than a dog? Although they’re pretty smart creatures, so you can’t possibly be a match for them”

It took his small brain a few seconds to assimilate what I had just said, and then his entire face turned red with anger. I held his glance without blinking.

“Listen, you” He began to say, rattled. “I was paying you a compliment and now-“

“Do you even know who I am? Hank’s my father” I warned him before he could start insulting me or threatening me or whatever. Maybe he respected him enough to leave me alone, after all my dad wasn’t exactly friendly. “So…”

“You think I’m scared of your father? Even if he comes to your rescue, I’m not gonna be intimidated by him” He brushed it off, but I smirked nonetheless.

“I don’t need him to do that, I inherited his temper so I don’t have to put up with assholes like you” I took a step forward to show him my courage, but he didn’t flinch either.

“Excuse me” A fairly familiar voice interrupted us, and when I looked I saw none other than the android that came to my house looking for my dad. “I would say you’re causing an unpleasant situation, Detective Reed”

“See?” I pointed a thumb towards Connor. “Even plastic here is smarter than you”

“What’s it to you, dipshit?” Gavin’s attention was certainly diverged to the android now, but I wasn’t so sure that I liked that either. While a little annoying, androids weren’t that bad. They were better than humans like Reed in any case.

“I merely wanted to help” Connor explained calmly, looking from him to me.

“I don’t need your help, thanks” I told the android, outraged that it wanted to come to my rescue when I was perfectly capable of getting Gavin out of my face myself.

“I know that” Connor responded immediately. “Your levels of adrenaline are completely normal and your heart rate is stable, there are no signs that you sense any threats”

I smirked at Gavin, amused by the expression in his face at the android’s words.

“Whatever, I lost my appetite anyway” With that, he left, not without shoulder checking Connor on his way out.

“You’re disgusting!” I shouted at him while he could still hear me.

“I’m sorry if I-“ The android was starting to talk, but I interrupted it.

“Why did you even do that? Are you programmed to intervene in case of emergency?”

“No” It innocently replied. “I just thought appropriate to intervene”

If I didn’t know any better, I would say that android had shown… empathy? Kindness? Selflessness? But it couldn’t be, there had to be an actual logical explanation. Androids couldn’t feel.

“I don’t think I had the pleasure” Connor mumbled, changing the subject.

“Detective Anderson, but you can call me Y/N” I held out my hand out of habit.

“Anderson? Are you related to the Lieutenant?” I supposed it hadn’t heard my conversation with Gavin.

“Yeah, he’s my father” I briefly explained, still holding out my hand until Connor finally shook it. Its hand felt surprisingly soft and gentle taking in consideration it was an android’s.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Detective” It showed me an obviously artificial smile, probably part of its program to fit in or something. “My name is Connor”

“Yeah, I know, you’re the android sent by Cyberlife, I remember” I crossed my arms over my chest and observed it, intrigued by the android. “So we’re partners?”

“Yes, I assume they thought convenient to include somebody else in the investigation”

“Why? Who are they not trusting here, you or my father?”

As all answer, Connor tilted its head at me. But clearly, if they needed three people for the deviant case it was because the other two weren’t enough. Or maybe not  _good_  enough.

A loud noise, accompanied by some swearing and grunting, caught our attention. Dad was coming out of the Captain’s office, and he looked royally pissed.

“Lieutenant!” Connor cheerfully said. “I’m eager to work with you and Detective Anderson”

“Detective…” My father was about to ask what it mean but couldn’t even finish his sentence. When his eyes fell on me and he realized what Connor was talking about, he rolled his eyes. “Ah, shit”

*

What a bunch. An android, a moody veteran lieutenant and a newbie detective.

Neither of us said a word as we arrived to the alleged crime scene. The perp had been last seen around here, but there were no signs of androids yet. And even Connor couldn’t think of any other leads other than the place we were at.

“Maybe it’s hiding?” I suggested, trying to bring something to the table.

“It is a possibility” Connor nodded, its brown eyes darting from one place to another in what had to be a scan for proof. “After all there are no signs that the deviant abandoned this place”

“Listen” My father turned to Connor and spoke very gravely. “If something comes up, you stay with Y/N”

“Calm down, Hank” I sometimes jokingly called him that to relief the tension. “Nothing’s gonna happen to me”

He didn’t listen, he was just talking to Connor as the android listened intently yet with a frown. Was it caused by curiosity? Concern? Surprise? Maybe it didn’t understand and was buffering.

“Those are your orders, stay with Y/N”

“Very well, Lieutenant”

“I don’t need Connor babysitting me!”

“Shut up and do as I say, okay?”

I rolled my eyes at him and nodded. No matter how much we loved each other, sometimes my father was really complicated. And pigheaded. And stubborn. And frustrating.

Maybe he didn’t feel capable of looking after me himself. Maybe he told Connor to do it because hopefully the android would be faster. Or maybe it was just that my father was too scared of being put in that position and failing. Again. But he didn’t fail, it wasn’t his fault that…!

“What was that?” I quickly turned around because I heard a noise.

“I swear, Y/N, if this is one of your jokes…” My dad complained, glaring at me.

“It wasn’t” I watched Connor as its glance seemed focused ahead of us, maybe it heard it too. “I’m sure I heard…”

But the android suddenly got ahold of my arm and tugged at it to get me out of the way. It was the right move, because just then something lunged forward, pushing Connor to the ground. Had it not moved be, it would have been me.

“Connor!” I exclaimed, checking on it without even thinking.

“Chase it!” The android replied, trying to get to its feet.

I obeyed, running after the deviant as fast as I could. Connor soon caught up to me and surpassed me, going ahead and trying to catch the deviant itself.

As I ran behind Connor, I took a quick glance around. I had lost track of my father, and it was starting to worry me. Where was he? Was he okay?

“Stop!” Connor shouted to the android as it still run at a speed that I could never rival with. But Connor could, and it was tenacious.

Before I could even try and understand what was going on around me, everything turned to chaos. A shot was fired, and I heard screaming and a general ruckus before I was immediately tackled down. I had been too distracted with looking for my father to notice what was happening.

I would have bumped my head with the force I was pushed backwards into the ground with weren’t it for two arms that protectively wrapped around me. I took a deep breath, feeling my heart pounding in my chest, and repeatedly blinked until I could clearly see the picture.

Connor’s face was close to mine, and it was then when I realized that it was the android’s doing. That was why I was on the ground, Connor had pushed me out of the way. He saved me from a bullet, taking it instead judging by the whole in his shoulder and the blue blood dripping from it.

I let out a shaky breath and stared into his brown eyes. When he looked at me, his brow furrowed and his LED changed from red to yellow to linger in that color. He briefly looked over his shoulder and back to me. Then he sat up, taking his weight off me as he had fallen on top of me when he lunged towards me to take me out of harm’s way.

“Are you alright?” He asked me with… concern? I thought androids weren’t supposed to feel anything.

“I…” I was aware of the fact that I was in shock, but I couldn’t for the life of me respond to that simple question. “I-I…”

Truth was, I wasn’t used to that type of adrenaline. In the K-9 Unit I was mainly training the dogs even if I did go to a few crime scenes, but there were mostly about drugs, not chasing perps.

“Are you hurt?” Connor tried again, gently shaking my shoulder. “Move your head yes or no”

I took a deep breath and shook my head, letting him know I wasn’t hurt. He nodded and lifted me to my feet without even having to try too hard.

“Jesus!” I had been looking for him, and there he was. “Y/N!! Are you okay?!”

“I’m… I’m fine, dad…” I muttered, still recovering from the shock.

“You’re clearly not fine! What the fuck happened?” He was shouting, probably without really meaning to but moved by the anxiety. Still, he was making me cringe at the loud noise, I felt extremely sensitive at that moment.

“He saved me… The deviant shot, but he saved me…” I gulped, forcing my thoughts to work faster and trying not to stutter as much.

“He? Who?!”

“Connor… Connor saved me…”

“I would say Y/N is still in shock, Lieutenant”

Hearing the android’s voice, I finally looked up, just then realizing I had been staring at the point the deviant escaped from. But I shook my head to focus, trying to figure out why the hell I felt so dazed.

Sure, it was my first case on the DPD but I had done similar cases! Even if I mostly trained police dogs and my missions had to do with drugs or missing people most of the time. But I was used to the action, why was that any different? Because my father was involved? Because I wasn’t used to working with androids? Because I hadn’t treated with deviants before?

I jumped a little, startled, when a soft weight fell over my shoulders. I had blacked out for a moment again, but when I looked up to Connor and my father, I saw them both staring at me. My dad’s expression was one of clear horror, but Connor was somewhat calm in that situation.

The latter repositioned that which he had put over my shoulders so it didn’t fall, and I realized it was his own jacket. Was that part of his programming? He probably knew it was a basic procedure to take care of someone in shock, putting a blanket over them so they feel protected and warm. But… did Connor have the empathy necessary to do that kind gesture or was his programming that moved him to do it?

“I’m-I’m okay” I said, feeling a little better already. “I just wasn’t expecting the deviant to shoot at us, I didn’t know he… it… had a gun”

“The fucking scares you give me!” My father pulled me into an urgent hug, and I could almost hear his heart racing inside his chest with the closeness, feeling his absolute anguish at what happened.

“Sorry, dad” I whispered into his shoulder before we pulled away.

“You should take Y/N home, Lieutenant” Connor intervened, looking from him to me. “I will return to the police station and inform of the events”

“Sure” My father was a little distracted himself as he put an arm over me and took me with him, on our way back to the car.

I couldn’t help but to glance over my shoulder to Connor as we distanced ourselves from him. He wasn’t looking back at me, but a realization was growing inside me.

As soon as I’d feel a little better, I knew I needed to go to my special place. Go to my park to think, because I was starting to realize why I was so shocked. It was obviously the shot that could have killed me, but there was something more. It was Connor. I just…

How and why did an android do that? Weren’t his orders to do anything that it took to arrest that deviant? That was his mission, and his objective was to accomplish it no matter what. As far as I knew, even to the point of sacrificing himself if necessary. Yet he had slightly deviated himself by protecting me, ignoring his orders to save my life. And he did that too before, he went out of his way to get between me and Gavin.

“Fuck, I need a drink” My father mumbled, breaking my heart a little, but I didn’t express it. Anyhow, it gave me another reason to go to my spot. That park where I went to when dad would say things like that.

And still this time it was different. The mystery that was Connor brought me to my spot as well. And it made me want to test how much he was willing to disobey his orders and if he would do anything that had nothing to do with them. If he was capable of empathy.

*

I finally found him! It took me a while, but I finally bumped into Connor outside the police station. Last time I saw him was a few days ago to return his jacket, we hadn’t managed to approach a new case yet. But I wanted to give him a little surprise to thank him for saving my life.

“Connor!” I called him, tugging at Max’s leash.

The android’s eyebrows shot up in surprise when he turned to me at the sound of his name being called, and then he noticed the dog I had with me.

“Detective Anderson” He greeted me, unable to hide the astonishment in his voice. “What brings you here, if I may ask?”

“I heard you like dogs” Dad told me, and I couldn’t believe my ears. But my father insisted, saying that it was ‘un-fucking-believable, the fucking android asked me about Sumo saying it ‘likes dogs’, can you believe it?’ so I tried my luck with that.

“I do” Connor smiled just as Max approached him.

“This is Max, I used to work with him at the K-9 Unit” I introduced the German shepherd, just as the dog started smelling the android.

“Oh, hello!” I chuckled when Connor spoke to the dog like he would talk to any human. We usually talked to dogs like babies.

I watched them interact, utterly intrigued by the android. He genuinely seemed to like dogs, but why? Was that part of his integration feature? Most people did like dogs, so it was easier for him to get along with humans if he liked dogs as well. Or maybe they programmed him so closely to humans so he would get along with us that he was almost a human himself.

Connor grinned as he patted Max’s head, just as the dog jumped on his hind legs and playfully scratched the android’s upper legs. It was a heartwarming scene, really.

Suddenly, Max turned around in excitment and sprinted the opposite direction, tugging at the leash I was still holding and yanking me that way as well. With the sudden force, I was pulled to the ground as I let out a yelp of surprise.

“Y/N!” Connor’s eyes went from Max, who returned with us and licked my face as an apology, to me. “Are you alright?”

The android offered me a hand, that I took to pull myself up with his help.

“Yeah, I’m fine” I brushed myself off the pavement dirt and looked up at him.

Connor observed me carefully, frowning a little. I saw that as my perfect opportunity to test how much of a deviant he was. Whether or not he would react like a human in a certain situation like that. If he would feel concern and empathy for me.

“Good” He muttered once I was on my feet, but his eyebrows suddenly shot up in surprise.

I quickly put my hand on his shoulder, pretending that it hurt when I leaned my weight over my right leg. To add to the act, I grimaced and hissed through my teeth. Connor’s hand flew to my back to support me as I lightly leaned my weight over him.

“What’s wrong?” He observed me carefully, clear concern reflected in his expression. His hand never left my back, gently resting there in case my leg failed me again.

“My ankle hurts” To demonstrate, I rested my entire weight over my left leg, the alleged good one.

Max was barking at us, looking from one to the other as if trying to figure out what was going on. While I waited to see what Connor did next, I looked down to the dog too. But before I could calm him down, I found myself being swept off my feet.

“Ah! Connor, what are you doing?!” I exclaimed in surprise, noticing some people staring at us in the streets as I also tried to hold on to him.

“You shouldn’t put any weight on your ankle” He spoke calmly, his brown eyes directed towards me as I was carried in his arms. “At least until we determine whether there are signs of injury or not”

“Put me down! I said I’m okay!” I became flustered by his sudden cares and by all his attention being focused on me. That never happened, he was usually thinking about the investigation even when he was speaking to us.

Connor didn’t reply, he just carefully sat me down in a nearby bench as Max followed us closely. Right after, the android knelt down in front of me and dedicated me a soft glance.

“Can I?” He politely asked, his hands hovering around my right ankle.

I just nodded and he proceeded to examine the alleged injury. Connor rolled up the bottom of my jeans until the skin was revealed. Then he gingerly pressed in different zones, occasionally looking up at me to watch my reaction.

“Does it hurt? He finally asked after a while, seeing as I didn’t grimace again.

“Not really, it just feels a little sore” I didn’t want to lie anymore, seeing as he was being so sweet and thoughtful. Connor smiled at my response.

I stared at him, fascinated by his complexity. He was kind and soft and caring. I used to hate androids, thought they were a nuisance and a mistake. But when I met him, everything changed. He was just special.

“Can I ask you a question, Connor?” I blurted out on an impulse.

“Of course” He replied absently as he carefully rolled down the bottom of my jeans to cover my ankle, leaving it just like it was before.

“You seemed concerned that I had hurt myself” I began to say, noticing how he froze just as he was about to stand up. “You immediately took control to assure my wellbeing”

He looked away and took a few seconds to respond. But then he looked me in the eyes, daringly, and replied confidently.

“You are my partner and I need your help for the investigation” Connor added a head nod to reinforce his statement. “I was merely ensuring I could still count on your assistance”

Bullshit! He was worried about me, because he cared, because he grew fond of me like I grew fond of him. I raised an eyebrow, challenging him, but he held my glance.

“Then tell me this, why did you go against your orders the other time? You saw my life was in danger and saved me instead of accomplishing your mission, you let the deviant go” With that, he averted his gaze once more. “You chose me over the case and took a bullet for me”

“As I said” He responded quickly, even if he had to take a few seconds to gather his thoughts before he continued. “Your assistance is vital to the investigation. That particular case was to no avail, but only a deviant escaped. There are many other cases that can conclude successfully to understand deviancy”

“Fine, smartass” I rolled my eyes at him, and I could have sworn he seemed nervous that I was interrogating him and blaming him with having emotions. With becoming human, with turning deviant. “That doesn’t explain why you thought necessary to ‘rescue’ me from Gavin”

Connor squinted a little and tilted his head to the side, perhaps puzzled by my use of quotes. He opened his mouth just to close it again, but I arched my eyebrows, defying him.

“Detective Reed was bothering you, and as your partner I must-“

“Ah, that’s where you’re wrong. Back then you still didn’t know we were partners”

“But…”

“You didn’t even know my name, Connor!”

“I…”

“Your felt bad for me, you empathized and wanted to defend me”

“That is not…”

“You care about me, just like you care about my dad”

Connor anxiously looked anywhere but into my eyes. Then he definitely stood up and awkwardly fixed his tie.  

“I don’t see any signs of injury, perhaps a very mild swelling” He said, deliberately changing the subject. Making a great effort and still being quite meek, he offered me his hand again. “I would say it’s just a sprained ankle”

I paused, smirking as I watched him. He seemed cautious, and it looked like he hoped I dropped the subject. So I did. 

“Thank you, Connor” I genuinely said as I stood to my feet again, once more with his help. He merely nodded, looking away once more. “For everything”

His LED turned yellow upon hearing my words, and he cautiously glanced at me. When he did, I showed him a reassuring smile, and he seemed to finally relax.

He understood that my smile meant I was okay with all of what we had just discussed. That I actually liked that he showed emotions such as empathy. That it wasn’t a bad thing, that maybe deviants were just… people. And that was okay too.

I stared into his eyes, reading actual kindness in them. Connor was such a mystery, such a fascinating android. Almost a person. I saw a living being in him when he reciprocated my glance and his smile grew even wider, even gentler. More human, like himself.

*

There I was again. My special place, my spot. That park was almost always empty, and for some reason going there soothed me. It helped me think and chased away any bad thoughts, calmed me down.

But with everything that was happening, it wasn’t working as well as it usually did. No matter how great of an escape it was, I could never escape my reality. And Max’s passing was the last straw, I wasn’t strong enough anymore to carry that with me as well. This time it felt like I had no comfort.

Even though I was used to feeling like this. Even though I had gone to that park countless times when my relationship with dad got complicated or we argued. Even though I knew that, even when I felt happy and smiled deep down the sadness was still there, lurking. But I hadn’t felt it with such intensity in a long time.

“Y/N?” A familiar voice startled me, dragging me away from my thoughts and my self-centered and depressing thoughts.

At first I didn’t recognize him because he wasn’t wearing his uniform anymore, but his casual attire reminded me of his deviancy. And it somehow made me feel better just knowing that.

“Connor!” I hurriedly wiped my tears, even if new ones threatened to replace them. “What are you doing here? How did you find me?”

“I was worried about you, and I remembered you like to come here when you need to be alone” He frowned, taking some cautious steps closer to me.

“But… how did you know I like to come here?”

“Hank mentioned it during our first case together”

“But that was so long ago! And you remembered? I mean… of course you remember, you’re an android” It was just the fact that it seemed like such trivial and useless information for him, taking in consideration that he was programmed to investigate and that was the information he needed to remember.

Still, Connor never ceased to surprise me. Even after all this time, even after we went through so much together and passed through lots of cases… Even after he finally broke free and became a deviant himself, just like I had predicted… Even then, he appeared out of nowhere to remind me that androids could have more humanity than some humans, and overall that he was determined to be there for me no matter what.

Cautiously separating the distance between us, Connor opened an umbrella he was carrying and put it over me as he sat down by my side. He didn’t need an umbrella, but he was considerate enough to bring it for me.

“That’s very sweet of you” I forced a smile, even I still felt like my heart was broken.

“I wanted to keep you company, if that’s okay” He displayed a sympathetic expression as he also showed me an awkward smile. “But if you want to be alone…”

“No, I… I actually don’t mind your company” To be honest, Connor was the only one I didn’t hate having by my side at that moment.

“I heard what happened with Max” He started to say, still careful.

I burst crying once again at the mention of the dog’s name. He was my friend, he was a great dog and he died on duty. I couldn’t help but to feel heartbroken.

“I feel stupid that I’m crying over a dog, I know he’s not… wasn’t, a person” I knew those words had been threatening to break me, I needed to speak them out loud instead of just thinking them. But it was complicated.

I didn’t want to talk to my father, not after I just lost someone. I was afraid that it would affect him, that it would remind him of… of Cole.

“But he was your friend” Connor retaliated, showing me that my pain was valid. “You cared about him, it’s natural that you’re sad about his passing”

“I don’t think it’s just about that, you know?” I sobbed, furiously wiping my tears, frustrated that I had to go through that and that there was nothing I could do to avoid it. “It’s the fact that Max died on duty too, and that he was so innocent and pure and yet… he died”

Connor paused, analyzing me closely. I knew he realized, he had to realize. Even I did, no matter how subconscious the connection was in my mind at first.

“It reminded you of Hank and Cole” He finally said for me, confessing something I wasn’t really willing to admit.

“I just… Every day I know I can lose my father in duty, just like he can lose me” I sniffled through my nose, overwhelmed by that painful void in my chest. “And Max’s loss just reminded me of that fear. I’m so afraid of losing dad too, just like I lost my little brother…”

He didn’t respond, just listened. I appreciated the silence, it made me feel like he was paying attention, silently telling me that it was okay for me to feel that way and to tell him too. That I didn’t need to suffer in silence.

“And… And it was bad enough that I lost Cole, you know? It’s obviously not the same thing, but loss hurts no matter what”

“Loss is a part of life, and with that the grief that comes with it”

“I know, but… I-I just can’t take it anymore, it’s too painful!”

All of a sudden, his arms tightly wrapped around me and brought me closer so I was resting against him. I was surprised by the unexpected gesture at first, but then I hid my face on his shoulder and just broke down, bawling my eyes out like I hadn’t in a long time. I had been suppressing my emotions not to be overwhelmed by that pain, which had come back to consume me. And while Connor’s gesture was with good intentions and I appreciated it, it just broke me completely, it made me drop my guard and caused my walls to collapse. Hence, my emotions came rushing by like a tidal wave.

“It’s okay… It’s okay, Y/N” Connor whispered soothingly in my ear, lovingly squeezing me and rubbing his hands against my back.

I felt like I wouldn’t be able to stop crying, thinking over and over again about how much sorrow I was going through, all the terrible things that had happened. And I just wasn’t strong enough to cope with it anymore.

Connor held me like he wanted to put me together, like if he embraced me tight enough everything would be fixed for me. Or like he hoped it would.

I, too, clung on to his sweater for dear life. I crumpled the fabric in my fists and cried on his shoulder, slowly feeling how the unease subsided and how that heavy burden was lifted from my shoulders. I could almost breathe properly now, after years of suffocating.

I lost track of time, but Connor never broke away. I did, only when I felt like I was feeling a little better. When my tears ran out and I started to feel lighter.

“I’m sorry…” I apologized, ashamed, realizing I just cried my eyes out in front of him, on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Connor”

“Why?” He softly asked, confused by my sudden embarrassment.

“I just feel so weak and stupid” I forced a fake chuckle, but he was still frowning. I kept talking to avoid worrying him further and to break the tense silence. “It’s just like there’s only two good things in my life right now”

Connor nodded, letting me know he was listening. He was being so patient and understanding. When I used to think he was a sweetheart, he turned deviant and opened himself up even more. He stopped repressing his emotions, like I should have done a long time ago.

“One of them is my dad, but… things were easier before, he used to be so loving and caring” I gasped when I realized what I was saying and immediately went to correct myself. “And he still is, of course! It’s just that now… well… I don’t want to worsen the burden he’s already carrying on his own and that he doesn’t let me help him with. I don’t even want to remind him about it, he already eats his head enough on his own”

“So you both carry your burdens in silence” Connor’s words were wise, and I was aware of what he was trying to tell me. It was bad to bottle it up, but it was the best we could do.

“We’re pigheaded like that. So even when he’s one of the good things in my life it’s hard, you know?” This time I didn’t force a chuckle. “But my dad still cares about me, and he loves me.

“And the other one?”

“The other one is-“

“Sumo” Connor guessed, watching me completely serious. My mouth fell agape, taken aback by his answer. “No?”

“Y-Yes! Of course Sumo! But I just included him when talking about my father, you know? My home, my dad, Sumo…”

“Oh” He replied solely, refusing to hold my glance now.

“The other good thing is you, Connor. There’s two special people in my life that make it all worth it, that look after me and help me through the grief” I smiled, now genuinely, wiping my tears. “One is my father, and the other is you”

Connor stared at me, dumbfounded. His face portrayed so many expressions in just a few seconds that I couldn’t tell them all apart. I recognized awe, relief, happiness… Then he sighed and pursed his lips, seemingly pensive.

“You were right” He mumbled after a brief pause, almost to himself.

“About what?” I was confused by his sudden words.

“Remember the day you introduced me to Max? He tugged at his leash and made you fall”

“I remember”

“You said all those things I did for you didn’t have to do with the investigation”

“Yeah, you were so protective of me. You always were”

“You were right, it wasn’t because I needed your help for the investigation”

“Then why did you do it?”

“Because I care about you”

Those were such simple words, but it meant so much to me. And the way he said it, like he was confessing something that he felt deeply. An absolute truth. It profoundly moved me, and emotional tears welled in my eyes. Nearly happy tears.

“Aw, Connor…” I whined, diverting my gaze from his eyes when I felt like crying again.

“I might not be able to stop you from experiencing loss or grief” He continued talking, causing me to break down again since I was so sensitive. “But I will always be here to comfort you and help you through it”

This time it was me who lunged to hug him tight. I cried on his shoulder again, now out of gratitude and fondness. And his arms fell around me too.


End file.
